First, you were caught in the swirling whirlwind of a marriage crisis.  Now, to add to that, a pandemic is taking over.  Whatever fears you had about your marriage are now layered with your concerns about your health (and the health of loved ones). It is amazing how quickly things are moving.  This crisis has been on the radar since the first of the year.  But as with many things (including a marriage struggle), most people don’t pay much attention until it is cascading into a crisis.  Then, we are playing “catch up.” Trying desperately to get ahead of the situation.  But generally finding ourselves falling further and further behind. A crisis tests us. Both a marriage crisis and a world crisis.  They test us.  To see whether we rise up or give up.  Whether we go with what matters or what is easy.  Do we act in fear or lead with courage? We talk about this in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Being a WE Importance of Connection Dealing with Fear in Marriage Dealing with Fear in Life Save The Marriage System

Save The Marriage Podcast | How To Save Your Marriage | How To Stop Your Divorce

What Now? – Saving your marriage in the midst of a pandemic

I get that question very frequently:  “What happened?  Where did the love go?" Maybe you feel it, maybe you hear it.  The end result is the same:  one or both people  just not feeling it… not feeling love.  Maybe “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you.” Or maybe, “I care about you, but I don’t love you.”  Or maybe more simply, “I don’t love you.” Then what? And where did the love go?  It was there before.  Did it really go away? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss the causes of love gone missing.  We look at where the love went, and talk about how to bring it back. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Connection and Marriage Conflict and Marriage Pause Button Marriage Interview with Gary Chapman Self-Expansion and Marriage Save The Marriage System

Where Did The Love Go?

Over the last couple of episodes, I have been looking at what wrecks marriage.  First, I discussed Expectations.  Then, I discussed Disconnection. In this episode, we look at another “Marriage Wrecker”:  Conflict. Yes, I know, plenty of people will tell you that conflict is inevitable in marriage.  And it is certainly true that every marriage… any relationship that is as intimate as marriage… is going to include disagreements and differences-of-opinions. That is not the question.  The question is, how do you deal with the disagreements?  How do you do conflict?  If you aren’t careful, conflict can wreck your marriage. Why?  Because it often becomes adversarial — going for the win, not for the relationship. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we look at how conflict can wreck your marriage… or how you can keep it from happening. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Marriage Wrecker:  Expectations Marriage Wrecker:  Disconnection The Role of Conflict Fighting FOR Your Marriage Conflict To Intimacy Save The Marriage System

Marriage Wrecker: Conflict

Your marriage is hurting.  Why?  What happened?  What wrecked your marriage? In the last podcast episode, I discussed how expectations can wreck a marriage. But unfortunately, there are some other issues and concerns that can wreck your marriage.  This week’s Marriage Wrecker is right at the top of the list. In fact, it is a recurring theme in my work with couples.  After discussing it in several coaching sessions in the last few days, I thought it was a good topic for an episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. What is connection?  What is DISconnection… and why does it happen?  We start there.  We discuss how connection is the life-blood of your relationship… and what happens when it gets squeezed off… often for what seem like good reasons! The result, though, is the same, even when disconnection is unintentional. (And it almost always is.) I also cover what to do when you realize the cycle and are ready to break it (what to know and how to approach it, so you don’t get thrown off). Listen to this important episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Danger of Expectations Connection and Disconnection Resources Pause Button Marriage Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps System:  Save The Marriage

Marriage Wrecker: Disconnection

“What can I expect from my spouse?”  That was the lead question.  Because over and over, her expectations had not been met. “Expectations,” I told her, “can wreck your marriage." “Which expectations?”, she asked. I noted, “Any." But shouldn’t you have expectations?  Shouldn’t you be able to expect things from your spouse? Let me ask you question:  How’s that going so far? Some expectations are explicit.  Others are implicit.  Some are internal.  Others are external. And generally, expectations fail. That same person said, “So I should just expect my spouse to do nothing, is that right?”  I noted that she just changed to another expectation.  But still, it was an expectation.  And expectations cause problems.  Negative or positive.  They still cause problems. The solution?  Actually, there are two parts.  Listen in as we take apart your expectations… and shift to something more helpful. RELATED RESOURCES Perception’s The Problem Ways Your Marriage is Slipping Away Importance of Connection Back to Basics The Save The Marriage System

Marriage Wrecker: Expectations

She started the conversation by telling how she was confused… her spouse had confused her.  He said he didn’t feel safe enough to share his emotions, didn’t feel safe enough to move back into their bedroom, didn’t feel safe enough to talk through their issues.  She told me, “I have never hurt him or threatened to hurt him.  How can he feel unsafe?" Safety (and feeling safe) is an interesting thing.  There doesn’t actually have to be a real threat in order to feel unsafe.  Our brains are always looking for a sense of threat — and it takes very little to trigger the feeling of threat.  A look, a tone… a small hint can be perceived as a real threat. We don’t risk connecting when we feel threatened.  Connecting requires vulnerability.  And vulnerability requires a sense of safety. Again, that is not necessarily tied to reality of threat.  So, do you (and your spouse) create spaces of safety?  Do you internally communicate safety in your relationship? Learn why this is so important and how to do it in the Save The Marriage Podcast below. RELATED RESOURCES Connection in Marriage Connection and Disconnection Resources Connection or Protection Save The Marriage System

Is Your Marriage in the Safe Zone?

Miranda asked me, “What do I do?  My spouse is hopeless that we can save our marriage. I’m losing hope, too." A couple of weeks ago, I did a training for members of my VIP Program, noting three barriers in the way of a spouse working on the marriage… along with how to respond.  One of those barriers is hopelessness. But if a spouse is hopeless… how can you hold onto hope? There is an equation of hope:  hope = goal + pathways to goal + action to get there. If you noticed from the equation, a spouse (you) can choose hope, even when a spouse is hopeless.  Especially if you recognize that the hopeless spouse cannot see that goal… cannot see a way forward (a path)… and therefore, can’t see a way to take action. There are traps at each of those three elements of hope… and if one is not present, it isn’t really hope.  So, let’s talk about how to grab each element, keep it in place, and keep moving forward. Listen to the episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Save The Marriage System VIP Virtual Coaching Coaching Services Moving Forward… One Way or the Other Stuck in the Negative The Fatal Triangle

Hope vs. Hopelessness

What do you do when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy,” as the reason the marriage has to end?  Or how about, “You’re not happy,” or “I can’t make you happy”? I have heard this reason given over and over.  It is a common (but false) belief that a marriage needs to end because spouses can’t make each other happy. The fact is, you cannot make your spouse happy.  And your spouse can’t make you happy.  But that isn’t even the goal! (Just to be fair, it is possible to make someone miserable!  But make them happy?  Nope.  Not possible.  Ever.) What does it mean when a spouse wants to end a marriage due to “not being happy”?  And what do you do?  How do you respond? That is the topic of our conversation on this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  You can listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Dealing With YOUR Resentment Dealing With YOUR SPOUSE’S Resentment Showing Up Courageous Compassion 3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage System To Save Your Marriage

“I’m Just Not Happy”… The Excuse to Leave?

Too many times — in my office, by email, on phone calls — I hear a spouse rationalizing their decision that the marriage cannot possibly succeed because, “We’re just opposites, too different to make it.” But is it true?  Are you “opposites”?  (How are humans ever actually “opposite”?)  And for the sake of argument, does that doom your relationship? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I answer a listener question that you may have, too.  This listener’s spouse has declared, “We are opposites,” and has given up on even trying to save their marriage.  This listener is wondering, “Is that true?  Are we opposites? Does that doom our marriage?" Since this question comes up so often, I wanted to discuss the reality of this.  I cover my issues with “opposites,” discuss my theory of “Complimentarity,” and trample all over the belief in “compatibility,” an idea that has been espoused by dating sites and apps — and yet has failed in creating strong relationships. Listen below for my response to “We’re Just Opposites." RELATED RESOURCES What Happy Couples Know Ways We Connect Love Languages System To Save Your Marriage

“Are We Too Opposite?”

“It suddenly fell apart,” Jenny told me.  As far as she could tell, everything had been great until… one day… her husband said, “our marriage is over.”  Before that, Jenny said, there had been no trouble. Why did it all come tumbling down? Rob told me that, sure, there had been some issues along the way.  But he didn’t know his wife was ready to leave… until “out of the blue, she moved out and said we were done!" Why did it all come tumbling down? George told me, “I just want us to get back to where we were… before the crisis." My response to George was, “Where you were got you to where you are.  You can’t just go back to there.  You need to build a new relationship!" I told both Jenny and Rob that I very seriously doubted that the crisis was quite so “out of the blue.”  They just didn’t see it coming. But brick by brick, piece by piece, their relationship was being pulled apart long before it all came tumbling down.  And it is very likely that both they and their spouses bore responsibility. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the roots of trouble, so you can begin to consider why your marriage didn’t just start to crumble. RELATED RESOURCES Book:  Marriage Failpoint Save The Marriage System Connection and Marriage Healing Disconnection Change Yourself

Why It All Came Tumbling Down

You apologized to your spouse… maybe on your own, or maybe because I suggested it. And... ... Nothing.  Nada.  Zero.  Zilch. No change, no difference. Does that mean that your efforts are over?  That your attempts to save your marriage are a failure? Just to reassure you, an apology letter with no response does not necessarily mean it was a failure.  And it sure doesn’t mean that your efforts are over. This week, I am answering Chris’s questions about an apology letter “fail.”  If you have a question, you can submit it at Podcast@SaveTheMarriage.com for consideration. RELATED RESOURCES: Anatomy Of An Apology Of Apologies and Forgiving Forgiveness Is NOT A Blank Check 5 Rules for Apologizing Save The Marriage System VIP (If you have the System)

Did Your Apology Fail?

Audrey wrote me to ask, “I just can’t get started on my marriage.  What’s wrong with me?" She wrote in as a listener of my podcast.  (And if you have a question for the podcast, send it to me here:  Podcast@SaveTheMarriage.com) IF she WANTS to save her marriage, then WHY CAN’T SHE GET STARTED? There are some reasons why people get stuck and can’t get started.  And there are some issues beneath these reasons that must be addressed, one way or the other. I cover the problems and issues in this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES "Can I Even Save My Marriage?” “What If I Can’t Save It?" Why Does It Matter? Working on It Alone Healing Your Anger Save The Marriage System

“Why Can’t I Get Started?”

Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year?  I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year.  And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol.  This year, I want to offer a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past.  Yep.  Christmas, with new opportunities.  Here it is: Christmas Eve.  Chris and Holly have settled into bed.  Neither can sleep.  It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads. Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past.  Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure. What happened?  Where did their relationship fall into trouble? Can they find their way back? First, they will have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night. Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship?  Is there a path through the pain? Listen in as Chris and Holly face the hauntings of their relationship.

Special Holiday Edition: Ghosts of Relationship Past

We continue with listeners’ questions on the Save The Marriage Podcast.  And in this episode, I pull together a central question about “Should we stay together because of this Insert Bad Reason Here?" Several people told me they were still married, just for the sake of the kids.  Several told me that their spouse was still there because they could not afford to separate, much less to divorce.  And some told me they stayed married just to avoid having to hit the dating scene.  And then, there is that anxiety of “what will people think?”  So, they stay together. But is that enough, they ask?  Should they only stay together for these “wrong reasons?" You can make a perspective shift and use those “wrong reasons” to get you to the right place in your relationship. I cover 4 ways to get there in this episode of the podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Connecting Changing Conflict Convincing - don’t! Save The Marriage System

All The Wrong Reasons: Should You Stay Together?

“Should I even keep fighting for my marriage?”, asks “G.” Oof, that word… “fighting.”  I hear it often.  But so many times, when someone says they are “fighting for” their marriage, they end up “fighting against” their spouse.  The spouse who doesn’t see how to move forward. Which is rarely helpful for the process.  But I watch person after person “suit up” to do battle, not even sure on what they are fighting. So, let me clarify that with the question from “E.”  She asked why I always talk about connection… not romance, playing “hard to get,” doing “No Contact,” or reverse psychology. Those two fit together… the “fighting” part and the “connecting” part.  You are fighting for connection!  For some very specific (and deeply rooted) reasons. I discuss both in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. RELATED RESOURCES: Connection and Marriage Why are We Fighting No Contact is Crap No Manipulation Save The Marriage System

Fighting for… Connection

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